Self-pity is a kind of self-inflicted suffering that says, “I feel rotten and I wish someone would help me to feel better, and, by the way, why isn’t anyone noticing that I feel rotten and I wish that someone would help me feel better, if no one helps me feel better I’m just going to sulk and behave dejectedly until someone helps me feel better and if no one helps me feel better I don’t know what I’m going to do because I feel so lousy and now I’ve committed myself to this feeling and I wish someone would help me feel better.” (I sound like I know a thing or two about this, right?) Self-pity is suffering by choosing to have mankind pull you up by your bootstraps.
Let me define it in God’s terms: self-pity is a soul that is downcast and does not know how to or refuses to quiet herself with the words of God. She chooses to seek mankind’s involvement in her self-pity rather than godly discernment which would turn her to God’s words and his ways.
An example of self-pity is King Ahab (1 Kings 21:4-7). The Scriptures usually give us a very robust (boy is this ever) example when we seek one. In short, Ahab wanted something: he was told ‘no’. He went to his room and sulked until his wife Jezebel came in and saw his wretchedness. She took her full attire of ‘undiscernment’ and marched over to the neighbor and took what Ahab wanted. Wham-o! Self-pity solved. Again, this is a pretty harsh example but look at the heart of what is behind this: he wanted what he could not have. Rather than seek the Lord in his distress he sought the comfort and actions of man. He may have felt better for the moment, but the heart issue was not resolved (see 1 Kings 22 – although Ahab is king God does mention his name in the text, only: the king of Israel).
I don’t believe we set out to wallow in self-pity. It just happens – or should I say we allow ourselves to let it happen. It is another ‘stealth sin’ to borrow from author and biblical counselor, Ed Welch. What if, when you started to experience self-pity, you turned to the Lord and how he handles it? This is another opportunity for sanctification. This is another opportunity for humbling ourselves under the mighty hand of God.
Self-pity is a kind of suffering. God’s character is one who comforts the suffering, whether it is self-inflicted or not. If you belong to Christ, he delights in caring for you. He has not one ounce of wrath for you only love and discipline – not punishment but discipline (see Hebrews 12). Listen to what the Psalmist writes in Psalm 66:1-3
Shout for joy to God, all the earth;Sing the glory of his name;Give to him glorious praise!Say to God, “How awesome are your deeds!
I recognize that shouting for joy to the Lord is the last thing you want to do – so maybe you need to go here first:
Why are you cast down, O my Soul,Hope in God; for I shall again Praise him, My salvation and my God.
Psalm 42:5-6
God knows us intimately. He has given us in his Word the Psalms and various historical accounts so that we know how to respond to life and how to change. When and how to change can be foreign to us as we live in the ‘already but not yet.’ We must live in day tight compartments yet keep in mind that we are straining our eyes and our hearts searching for That Day. That Day when we will see him face to face. Until then we can live for his glory, looking him ‘full in his wonderful face’ knowing that right now, in this moment I am doing the best that I can with what I know to be true.
Here is some help from the letter of James after you have admitted that you are suffering and desire change:
First: can we admit that we are self-focused and seeking our own glory when we are in the midst of self-pity rather than God’s glory?
Next: Got to James 4 (yes…I just said that). Listen, James 4:1 puts our hearts on the right trajectory: our passions are at war within us. They are not necessarily bad passions; they may be passions gone wonky. They cause us to respond in ways that hurt ourselves and others (hear Jesus in Matthew 5:21-24). James calls us to pray in verse 3. Remember the Our Father construct? we are dependent upon God; we are people called to seek his will. When we step outside of what we have covenanted to do we are adulterous (verse 4). We confess that. Christ paid for that sin so get your head back in the game sister (verse 6-8a)! Actively place yourself back in the game, do what you were called to do with humility and a knowledge that this was completely the opposite of what a holy God calls us to (8b-9).
Finally: “Humble yourselves before the Lord and he will exalt you.” (James 4:10)
This is not a ‘one and done’ type deal. We will do this over and over – but listen you must start somewhere. If you are one who has a pattern of self-pity in your life, you can change! It will be so joyous! so wonderful! When you use the Lord’s words to overcome stealth sin in your life you will say with Paul: Rejoice! And again, I say Rejoice! When we overcome the Holy Spirit sings with our spirit.
From the wise words of my granddaughter discussing spankings… “I not sad! It’s great!”